hurt

So tomorrow me and jon will have officially been broken up for 1 month.  This is the most painfull month I have been through in I dont remember how long.  I never expected the brake up to stick.  I honestly thought that he would call me and we would work it out.  I wanted so bad for him to show he cared that we were over.  He never did. He never called or anything.  A little after 2 weeks, he started dating again and after 3 weeks he sent me a registered letter from the attorney's offices his dad works at. Of course, I was not driving all the way to my parents town to sign at the post office for this.  If he wanted to contact me he could have called, emailed, or even mailed the letter to my house not my parents.  So now that it has been a month I have started questioning everything that I thought our relationship was.  I wonder did he ever even like me? Did he only date me because he knew I liked him?  He calculated every little step in our relationship. At this month, we can do this and at this month I will say this. Every little part was what he called an investment.  Love isn't something that can be controlled or calculated its wild like a wave and comes on its own completely unforced.  Our relationship never was that, at least not with him.  I wonder if I truly loved him or if I wanted so bad to finally for once in my life have a good, honest, proper relationship that might actually go somewhere that I willed it into being. Losing him as a boyfriend was hard, but losing who he was as my best friend of 5 years was even harder.  Its hard going to a new college and seeing all of his friends. The few friends I had thought I had made don't have time for me.  I honestly feel like I am completely alone and I hate it.  I don't remember when I last felt this lonely.  I don't know what to do about it either.

God please help me lean on you and rely on you instead of people.  Father you know how much I am hurting.  You created us to be in communion not to be alone.  Father I am not asking you to bring a boyfriend into my life, even though it be nice.  I am asking for a honest to goodness friend. I need something Father.  I love you. Aman

week one

So last Friday, I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months.  We had been best friends for 5 years.  I stupidly thought that I was going to marry him.  I loved him and I thought he did too. We had been going through a rough couple of weeks with a lot of misunderstandings.  We both had some things that we needed to work on.  When we broke up he said that he was going to fight for me and he was going to prove that we belonged together.  I really thought he meant it.  I guess not.  He hasnt as much as texted me.  He hasnt texted, imed, emailed, called nothing.  I wish he had just said that he didnt want to be with me instead of all that crap because the silence hurts so bad.  I guess he isnt even thinking about me.