life goes on

Life goes on. Even when we dont want it to, life still goes on. It has been 3 months now. Still no word from him. About once a month I will have a dream about him. The first two were down right nightmares.  The last one was a nice what should have been.  Almost a farewell dream.  There will always be a part of me that loves him.  Its time now to put that part aside and let life go on.  School has been awesome.  Its been challenging but i love the department and the people around me. I have made so many friends.  Its like the break up pushed me out of a comfort zone.  I have joined a club and act very social.  Ive noticed things that i did when i was with jon that I dont like and things i will change in my next relationship.  It has been a real learning time for me.  My brief stint with  Kevin showed me alot as well. Well back to studying.
Thank You Father, For all You have done for me. For the comfort and support You have always given me. Continue to give me the strength I need to carry on. Guide my footsteps and Guard my heart. Bring those who you will into my life and protect those I love. Love you Father.

labor day

This last month and a half has been hell.  I honestly feel like the devil has made making my life difficult his number one priority.  I know this is because I must be doing something right. I just pray that God will give me the strength to get through this.

hurt

So tomorrow me and jon will have officially been broken up for 1 month.  This is the most painfull month I have been through in I dont remember how long.  I never expected the brake up to stick.  I honestly thought that he would call me and we would work it out.  I wanted so bad for him to show he cared that we were over.  He never did. He never called or anything.  A little after 2 weeks, he started dating again and after 3 weeks he sent me a registered letter from the attorney's offices his dad works at. Of course, I was not driving all the way to my parents town to sign at the post office for this.  If he wanted to contact me he could have called, emailed, or even mailed the letter to my house not my parents.  So now that it has been a month I have started questioning everything that I thought our relationship was.  I wonder did he ever even like me? Did he only date me because he knew I liked him?  He calculated every little step in our relationship. At this month, we can do this and at this month I will say this. Every little part was what he called an investment.  Love isn't something that can be controlled or calculated its wild like a wave and comes on its own completely unforced.  Our relationship never was that, at least not with him.  I wonder if I truly loved him or if I wanted so bad to finally for once in my life have a good, honest, proper relationship that might actually go somewhere that I willed it into being. Losing him as a boyfriend was hard, but losing who he was as my best friend of 5 years was even harder.  Its hard going to a new college and seeing all of his friends. The few friends I had thought I had made don't have time for me.  I honestly feel like I am completely alone and I hate it.  I don't remember when I last felt this lonely.  I don't know what to do about it either.

God please help me lean on you and rely on you instead of people.  Father you know how much I am hurting.  You created us to be in communion not to be alone.  Father I am not asking you to bring a boyfriend into my life, even though it be nice.  I am asking for a honest to goodness friend. I need something Father.  I love you. Aman

week one

So last Friday, I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months.  We had been best friends for 5 years.  I stupidly thought that I was going to marry him.  I loved him and I thought he did too. We had been going through a rough couple of weeks with a lot of misunderstandings.  We both had some things that we needed to work on.  When we broke up he said that he was going to fight for me and he was going to prove that we belonged together.  I really thought he meant it.  I guess not.  He hasnt as much as texted me.  He hasnt texted, imed, emailed, called nothing.  I wish he had just said that he didnt want to be with me instead of all that crap because the silence hurts so bad.  I guess he isnt even thinking about me.

Owwww that hurt!

How many times do we want to get revenge on those who hurt us? When someone is throwing your mistakes and past in your face, all you can do is pray from it to be over. We all go through these times. The mother whose child was killed and the murder walks away, the young girl who was raped, but gets no justice, the child who grew up in an abusive home and does not know why no one loves them. There is so much pain in the world and we all wonder” why God?” We look at the situation and scream “where is the justice you promised God?” The Israelites were not immune to these issues. My journal will go a little more in depth into Zephaniah 3:9-20, to indentify the historical content, the meaning of the verses, and what I personally got from the passage.
Zephaniah was written by Zephaniah and it was Zephaniah speaking in my passage of Zephaniah 3:9-20. This passage is believed to have taken place somewhere between 640BC and 609BC. This was during the reign of King Josiah over Judah. Josiah was made king at 8 years old. He ruled till his death at the age of 47. The focus of this passage is to give the Israelites peace over their oppression.
I loved these verses. I found so many interesting treasures. In verse 15, the word punishment, which is mishpat in Hebrew, means punishment, judgment, and desert. Fear, in verse 16, which is yare in Hebrew, means to fear or stand in awe. In 2 Timothy 1:7, God tells us that He did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love. In times of fear, we should show power and love as children of God. In verse 17, save, which is yasha in Hebrew, means save, free, delivered, avenged. I love that God is the one to avenge us. Whenever the Bible says that God saves us, it also means He will avenge us as well. In verse 19 in Hebrew, which is oppressed, anah, means oppressed, busied, put down, and humble. When we are overly busy or letting our busyness get in the way of more important things, we are oppressing ourselves.
This passage has given me hope and strength. I know that my past will no longer be allowed to be thrown in my face. God is with me and He is mighty to save. God will take care of those who hurt me. He will deal with my oppressors in a special way. I love that Jesus is my rescuer. He longs to step in and take care of us.
This journal has shown us how God will take care of those who hurt us. We might not see the justice, but God is making it happen. We no longer need to worry about it. God is mighty to save. My journal will go a little more in depth into Zephaniah 3:9-20, to indentify the historical content, the meaning of the verses, and what I personally got from the passage.

Am I all Alone?

Ever felt that you had no one in your corner? Ever felt that you were all alone? Nehemiah of all people understood what it was like to have everyone against you, but he knew something that many people did not know. Nehemiah knew that even when the world is up against you, God always now and forever has your back. My journal will go a little more in depth into these verses, to indentify the historical content, the meaning of the verses, and what I personally got from the passage.
The book of Nehemiah is said to be written by Nehemiah, though some believe that Ezra wrote it. It was written from Nehemiah’s point of view; therefore, he is the one speaking in the passage. The passage is believed to have taken place sometime around 430B.C. This passage has taken place at the city walls of Jerusalem. During this time, Cyrus was king of Persia. Nehemiah was the cupbearer for Cyrus. Nehemiah would have had to been a very happy and upbeat man because when he was done it was noticeable to the king. Cyrus listened to Nehemiah and sent him to rebuild the city walls and the temple in Jerusalem. Once in Jerusalem, which is where my passage Nehemiah 4 takes place, Nehemiah faced severe opposition from Sanballet and his “cronies.” This passage’s focus is on how to face opposition the right way.
This passage has so much meaning under the surface. There were several words that jumped off the page at me. One of these words came from verse 14 of Nehemiah 4. This word is yare which means in Hebrew to stand in awe, awesome, to fear, reverence, respect, and honor. In Deuteronomy 7 verse 21, it also tells us not to be afraid of our enemy because our God is great and awesome! Awesome has become such a slang word in our lives, but it carries such heavy meaning. When we say something is awesome we are saying that it deserves reverence or respect. Another word that just would not stay on the page was taqa in verse 18. In Hebrew this word means trumpeter, to blow, trust, and drive a weapon. In biblical times, the trumpet was used to call people to battle. The trumpeter was trusted and was in a way the one to drive the weapon. According to 1 Corinthians 14:8, if it was not for the trumpeter making a clear call then who would know and be ready for battle. When we make a joyful noise to God and figuratively blow our trumpets, we are sounding our battle cry to the world and all the evil in it. Lacham was another crazy word for me from verse 20. This word means to fight, do battle, or make war in Hebrew. In Acts 5 verse 39, we find a group of people wanting to kill the apostles, but a man stood up and spoke saying if they are from God and their mission is of God, then God will be fighting for them and there is nothing that anyone can do. When we are in God’s will we do not have to worry because God is fighting for us. This last word ties in perfectly with that. This word is parar from Nehemiah 4 verse 15. In Hebrew, this word means to be broken or frustrated. In Nehemiah 4 this word is used to describe how God frustrated the enemy’s plans to hurt the Jews and destroy the wall. I find it very interesting that the word for being broken is the same as to be frustrated. Could it be that when the things in our lives get so frustrated that God may be breaking us a little? Could He be chipping away those little things that are not of Him that are in our lives? In Ezekiel 24: 9-13, it describes when you cook something and the bottom of the pan gets covered with the burned bits and it frustrates the pan and it has to be removed. It says that this is how our impurities are and that they have to be removed to “unfrustrate” the pan. This passage was so awesome.
This passage definitely fits the word awesome. I loved how Nehemiah has a very different battle plan then most. He countered Sanballet with prayer. Most people would have made a very elaborate plan on how to take down the enemy and destroy and kill them, but Nehemiah prayed. It is crazy to think that he just prayed, he did not have to worry about the fight because there was not going to be one. God answered and frustrated the enemies plan. It is such a powerful thought that God is fighting for us. He is the greatest defender we could ever have. I love to think that God is willing to drop everything and fight for me. I love how when I am feeling frustrated that God is trying to purify me and break me. I want to learn to handle opposition and worry more like Nehemiah. I want to start handing my worries and problems off to God and let Him handle them. Nehemiah let God handle the problem and not a single life was lost, but if man had handled the issue many would have died. I want to let God break me and frustrate my earthly plans.
I got so much more from this passage than I could ever believe that I would. In Nehemiah 4 God uses Nehemiah and the building of the wall to show us how we should handle opposition. We do not need to stay up and lose sleep worrying about life’s problems because we have a great and awesome God who does not sleep at all who would love to step in and handle our problems. This journal was an in depth amazing study of Nehemiah 4, we looked at the historical content, the meaning of the verses, and how it changed me forever.

AHHH What about my future!

Have you ever stressed over making plans for your future? Have you ever wondered if you had a future? If you had a future would it be a good one? The Israelites were wondering the same thing. In Jeremiah 29:11-14, Jeremiah was used by God to tell the Israelites that He had a future for them. My journal will go a little more in depth into these verses, to indentify the historical content, the meaning of the verses, and what I personally got from the passage.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 has always been a real powerful passage for me. This passage was written by Jeremiah. This passage takes place in Babylon when King Nebuchadnezzar had taken the Israelites captive. The time that the passage took place is unknown, but the book of Jeremiah is said to have taken place between 626B.C and 586B.C. Israel had been in captivity for seventy years at this point. Talk about a time when your faith in a decent future for not only you, but your people would be really low. The whole message behind Jeremiah 29:11-14 is to give a future to the Israelites and us.
I love it when I pull a verse apart and find that a word we use everyday has a meaning that would blow me away. One word like this is ‘future’ from verse 11. In Hebrew, this word is achariyth meaning end, future, and prosperity. Proverbs 23:30 says that we have a future hope and it will not be cut off. In a way, it means we have an end hope, a prosperity hope. Another word that jumped off the page was ‘seek’ in verse 13. Baqash is the Hebrew word and it means to seek, require, desire, exact, and request. What I love about this is that time and time and again God tells us to seek after Him and each time we can replace the word seek with require, desire, exact, and request. God wants to know what we desire for Him to do, what we exactly require and request of Him. The amazing part is that those verses always end with Him saying if you seek me with all of you, you will find me. God wants to give us the desires of our heart, but we must first seek Him. In 2 Chronicles 30: 18-19, God says that those who seek Him will be purified. God longs to do something in our lives!
This passage always gives me something different every time I read it. First of all, they were in captivity and had been for seventy years when God told them that He knew the plans He had for them and they were good plans. Whenever I am going through a trial I can remember that God has plans for me, even during the worst things of my life God has good plans for me. Second, future also means an end. You can take this many ways, but for me personally I see it as my future is an end to my past. The future hopes and plans God has for me will also be an end to my past. Lastly, I have a whole new perspective on the word seek. When we seek God, He wants to know what’s going on in our lives. He wants to know what we desire, what we request. I want to make it a point in my quiet time to tell God all the desires and requests of my heart.
As always with scripture studies, this journal has changed me for the better. God had mighty plans for the Israelites when they were in captivity and God has mighty plans for us through our “captivities.” When just need to remember that every future comes with an end. Remember that when we seek we give our desires and requests to the only one who can really answer them. This journal was an in awesome study of Jeremiah 29:11-14, we looked at the historical content, the meaning of the verses, and how it changed me forever.

Wanna feel Special

The book of 1 Peter fits so perfectly into the world we live in today. Peter was writing to the persecuted church. In America, we do not see the open persecution that Peter or even those in other countries around us see. Yet, we still see the weird looks or hear the snickers or the putdowns that we get when we proclaim our Christianity to the world. Chapter 2 verses 4 – 12 of 1 Peter is a light of hope to the Church. My journal will go a little more in depth into these verses, to indentify the historical content, the meaning of the verses, and what I personally got from the passage.
My passage of 1 Peter 2:4-12 was writing by Peter and it was Peter who was speaking. It was written in letter form to the persecuted Churches in the Roman Empire. It was written somewhere in between A.D 62 and A.D. 64. Since it is a letter and not a description of events, I have assumed that it took place at the same time. These were very scary times for the new Church. Nero was emperor of Rome at the time. Nero hated the Christians and was heavily persecuting them. He even burned Christians on stakes to light his dinner parties. Back on topic, the content of my passage is to give encouragement and hope to the Church, while also giving a reason for their persecution.
Peter through this passage uses the analogy of Jesus and us, Christians, being “living stones” and being used to build a spiritual house. This analogy would have made a lot of sense to people in Biblical times. Many knew how to build a house of rock. What I found so interesting about this was that Peter’s name latterly means rock in Greek. In Ephesians 2:19-22, it tells us how the apostles and prophets are the foundation and Jesus is the cornerstone of the building and we build it up into the Holy temple. Another word in the passage that jumped out to me was the word precious. Girls always want to feel like they are precious. I looked up the original meaning for this word in Greek. Entimos (verse 4) means in honor, prized, precious, and dear one in Greek. I love to think that my Jesus thinks I am those things. In Proverbs 3: 15, Solomon describes wisdom as being female and as being more precious that rubies and nothing you desire can compare to her. I believe this is powerful, because wisdom is described as female, meaning it is a female characteristic and again she is seen as being one of the most precious things. Another word that leapt off the page was the word chosen. Ek-lektos (verse 9) in Greek means picked out, chosen, and my favorite, elect of God. Who would not be encouraged with the thought that we are the elect of God! In 2 Thessalonians 2:13, it tells us that we should always thank God because He chose us from the very beginning and that we are sanctified through Him and our belief in the truth. Another word that I was interested in was sacrifice. Thusia (verse 5) in Greek means sacrifice and victim. I never thought about this before, but when we sacrifice our needs in a way, we are a victim in the world’s eyes. Mercy also was a powerful word to me. Eleeō, which in Greek, means mercy. Eleeō only means mercy. That is powerful, there is only one meaning for mercy! I have learned so much from this passage.
I loved the message that these verses have! I want to take several things from this study. One, I need to remember that I am precious and chosen by God. I cannot get over the meaning of Ek-lektos (the elect of God). As a female, there are times when I really need to know that God prizes me and He handpicked me that I am elect of Him. Second, I want to better watch how I present myself to the world. I really liked how the Holmon translation put it. It said about verse 12 that we are to conduct ourselves honorably. It says that though we may get mocked, torn down, and persecuted, if we live our lives with honor they will see Jesus through us and may get saved. I want to live my life in a way that I reflect my Savior. My youth pastor used to always tell us that we maybe the only “Jesus” that people will ever see. It is huge to think that our actions may bring someone to Jesus or may push them way from Him.
Therefore, I cannot get enough of this passage. In 1 Peter 2:4-12, God shows us through Peter how special we are and how we will use our persecution for good. In a world full of pain, these verses are a ray of shining hope to a world desperate for a small break in the clouds. I am forever changed by this Bible study. This journal was an in depth amazing study of 1 Peter 2:4-12, we looked at the historical content, the meaning of the verses, and how it changed me forever.

This one is for the girls

This one is for the girls. How many times do we long to hear that special guy speak kind words to us? How often do we live to hear how much he loves us and how special we are? Girls, we put a lot of our self-worth into what a man thinks of us. We should be putting our worth into what Jesus thinks of us. Jesus has been described as many things, but personally I love that He is our lover. We are Jesus’ bride. Song of Songs is Jesus’ passion for us as His bride. This journal is going to show us the limited history, the amazing discovers made, and how once again God changed my life.
There is very little information about the history of Song of Songs. My passage was chapter 6 verses 2-9. It is believed that King Solomon wrote this passage. We know from the context that it takes place in a garden, probably somewhere in Solomon’s kingdom. It is believed to be writing somewhere around 965B.C, which would have been early in Solomon’s reign before he took so many wives. This is said because the focus of this passage is the husband love and passion for his wife.
This book has so many little treasures to be unwrapped. In verse 3, the husband is said to be among the lilies. The word lily in Hebrew is shûshan mean whiteness. Song of Songs 2:2 says “As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters.” We are a lily so in God’s eyes we are white which is the color for being pure. Another treasure is found in verse 4. The husband calls his wife Tirzah which is tirtsâh which means delightsomeness and favorable. This definition is very fitting because in Numbers 27:1, Tirzah is the name for one of the daughters of Zelophehad, who found favor in the Lord and received the inheritance of their father. One of my favorite lines in the Bible comes from verse 5, “your hair is like a flock of Goats.” This verse is just awesome. On a sweeter and more amazing note, in verse 9 we are called the perfect one. In Hebrew, this is tâm which means perfect, complete, lacks nothing in physical strength or beauty, innocent, and integrity. Those are the things that Jesus thinks of us. In Song of Songs 5:2 says, “I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My lover is knocking: Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” These are the things Jesus thinks of you.
Jesus wants to be that man we long to hear from. He wants to be the one we run to. We can get the reassuring voice in your life to tell you how He loves you and how special you are. I definitely need to have that in my life and I love that I can go to Jesus for it and it will be the right type of dependence. I am working on putting my whole dependence on Jesus and not on a man. It means so much to me that Jesus thinks I am pure that I am a lily white princess. Jesus see’s me as being perfect and that means so much to me.
My favorite quote is “dance with Jesus and he will let the perfect man cut it.” I want to dance with Jesus. The whole passage of Song of Songs 6:2-9 is about Jesus being our lover, our number one. This passage is very special to me This journal is going to show us the limited history, the amazing discovers made, and how once again God changed my life.